I accidentally burped into my bong.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
