im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
