new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
