I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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