Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
