I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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