I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
