literally had 100 drinks last night.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
