he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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