Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sober January is a disaster.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
