Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize