We named our party play list daddy issues
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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