I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
