It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
