he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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