dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
