my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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