Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
