I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
All I want is dick and wine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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