my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
