I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
