at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm like, not good at living.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
