i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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