im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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