My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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