We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
