i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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