Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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