I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
