dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
me + whiskey = a bad person
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
