it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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