Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
