Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
