you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
