mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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