At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
