I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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