I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize