I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
