I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My breasts were aching with rage.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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