I'm jealous of your bromance
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
