I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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