my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
