I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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