Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
