Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
