Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
