i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
