so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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