Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think a kid would responsible me up
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
