I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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