i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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