I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
