When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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