would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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