: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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