when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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