haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize