u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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