Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
