It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
