I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
