i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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