Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize