Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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