is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
