My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
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